Of Magic, December and Me

A cold December evening. The sun walked out pretty fast, just like her.

Then, Walt Whitman walked in, so did the moon and sonnets.

A perfect setting to get lost and never come back. Never. Because once the words you want are served at your table and you find it better than people, you start enjoying your company.

The wind does its job of keeping your sailing thoughts on the loneliest streets of Manhattan, the darkest hours of Quebec or the mind-numbing coldness of Alaska. It drifts you away from human territory. The wind knows what is good for you.

One think-alike human is the overdraft limit that can withstand the winds. It is not like the way it is explained in books or movies, or it is not so metaphorical too. It is awkward, imperfect and unexplainable.

If it is unexplainable, how do writers weave out magic on paper?

Did you read that word aloud?

It is. You still feel some works to be extremely closer to truth, right? I did too. Until, that moment I realised, it takes three lines or a maximum of three pages for a character to do a task impossible for a person reading it in real life. Like, travelling nautical miles with the albatross or running into the terrace of a hostel with curfew and a strict warden. It is easy for them.

Impossibilities cause pain. If this was a page of my book, the book that is picked only by the people who need it.
I would have re-written it this way, but yeah! You read the truth in the beginning. I’m speaking truth in my fictions. I’m a paradox.

“A cold December evening. The sun walked out pretty fast, just like her.

She thought that I could never be a father like the one she has had(She was right!). I asked her to decide. I gave her total freedom. But she was furious and felt I was not helping her and I acted like some sick bastard, three blocks away, who is no one to her.

I caught her while she was at the gate trying to look back at me, she was waiting to see if I would call her back. I hugged her, looked into the eyes that reflected our Rafter and then me. I pushed the lock of hair that hid the bruise on her forehead, kissed it. Then, she decided.

Then, Walt Whitman walked in, so did the moon and sonnets.”

-just barath©

Write side of the heart

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Episode 5

Hey Barath!

(Ok!) Dear Barath!
Shucks! Man. I think this is not my thing.  I think you asked me to write a letter to you on purpose! But let me try. This is the first thing you ever asked me. So I’m trying to write something that looks like a letter.

You and your literature things are starting to become interesting for me. All because of you. You talk about it and make me feel like, it’s a mandatory part of my survival. You add those fancy words at the right places and make something out of it, that gets me in this trance, while I am already struck by your handsomeness(Someone’s smiling a lot, now).

This being evident as you are reading, when are you going to get me our first book?

Yes! OUR freaking first book!! I am taking so much control over us. I know all that. That’s because, I miss “us” sometimes and this is the only way I can hold someone’s hand and not feel any pain over the juxtaposed, interlocked fingers(God! Me and my Stupid word choices!)

Writers take a walk by Heartbreak lane on a daily-basis. I know you are new to the neighbourhood, so take your time, learn and get over to me as soon as possible.

I think I am starting to love letters. It gives me this 60s English Womenfolk feel. The Flower-Basket Cycles, Hats, Blue and White checked Shirts. I know you would have picturized me in the above scenarios I listed. Don’t you ever start your plan. I will have to use the Kitchen-Knife just like those 60s movies.

Now coming back to what I really wanted to say.
One fact about humans on earth, irrespective of what songs they hear, or what kinda creatures they live with, humans cheat on themselves for the sake of others, there’s this extent for doing that. You never crossed that, even for me.. that was the thing that amazed me first. You do what you want! I do what I want! And we do what we want(Except when it comes to movies! Because you kinda take the decision always).
We are good! better at times?!

So, write back to me, when the freaking butterfly effect you go mad about lets you!

Write slow and steady, because your handwriting shouldn’t have come past the four line notebooks of kindergarten. I am clueless about how it did!

We are already something. I don’t want an approval by words. Words are bitches.

Say ‘Yes’ with a kiss,
Or,
‘Yes’ with two kisses.

Yours,
You know my name!

P.s.- Its time start loving her. So, Duffer’s diary is closed and kept safely inbetween Vairamuthu and Tolstoy in my book rack.

Bye,
just barath a.k.a Duffer©

Something’s brewing

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Episode 2

We took our seats. It was in the middle of No-Men Land. Should I ask her about what happened outside? Maybe not! It’s time I watch the movie properly This was the movie we both were expecting a lot. We, in the sense Me separately and her separately. I can tell you about how our story began. But, you wouldn’t believe it. Yes there is a #0.5 to this whole story. So getting back to my movie. It began.

How can I exactly tell, what she was doing? It was just the director’s name on-screen. Trust me! She was the only one standing up and shouting. She looked around, no one else was. Embarrassed, she sat down and looked at me. I tried hard to control my laughter. Thats when she told, “Don’t you dare laugh now! You’ll be dead.” That’s exactly when you start smiling. And so did I!

The movie was moving on and on. I looked at her. She was so much into the movie. And I was so much into her. Thats when I shared her something, that I have never shared with anyone. People outta nowhere become your closest. You cannot explain how but you just share so many important things with them. They were not close with you for a longer time, even then you decide they should be a part of your decision. This person can be anyone, a roommate, a stranger you travelled with, a mutual friend. The way you connect with them, that’s more important than the Time Factor.

She turned to me and asked, “Hmm?”
I told almost immediately, “I’m gonna drop my film project.” She was a bit shocked. “What?”, she was loud. As I told you earlier she knows everything about the movie and its progress so far. So far in the sense, till the minutes before I took that Big decision.

Good heavens! There were no one around us. I don’t know if it was a ‘SAVING MECHANISM’ or the ‘SELF DESTRUCT BUTTON’, the Interval Block came all of a sudden. She looked away, stood up and walked out. “Why does she care so much?” That was the first question that came to my mind. I know that makes me sound like a fool. But I am trying to tell only the truth about what happened, to you. So bear with me and later scold me.

I stood up as she got close to the door. Then ran to catch-up with her pace. “I don’t want to watch the movie” that was the first thing she told. “Shut up! You liked the movie. We are watching it. Don’t act so dramatic for what I just told.” “Dramatic! Barath you are going to tell me the reason, why you wanted to drop the film and I’ll tell you who the drama queen is! Let’s get out” she was angry, too angry! Right?

I am just helpless like Hagrid from HP now. Again I started following her, Because, she walks fast when she is angry!

Then she entered a cafe in the mall. “This looks so costly! Do we really need this to fight?” I asked. “Sit down”, thats what she told. I sat. We were the only ones in the cafe. I was lucky. The waiter came and I ordered two coffees. “Now talk” she told. “One, dont make so much fuss about it. Two, this sounds like an investigation. Change your tone or I am leaving” it was my turn to be angry. She came down a bit. Anger ↔ Anger gets the situation back in our hand.

She smiled, just for the sake of smiling. “Did I ever tell you, how you grew pink in the theatre when no one else was shouting like you”. Now came out the real smile.

“You know that, the lead’s character is more of my experiences. It was
40%-Barath. As I start planning for all the on-field things, she comes into my mind a lot. I wanna forget her. But I just am thinking that I am getting nowhere closer to forgetting her and this is not right. This film will only make things worse” I explained. 

You can’t forget Barath” she gave that Yoda smile.

“You were supposed to say something nice!” I said. “And lie to you” she completed.

“I tell something, that’s true to me or”. I completed, “Or, you don’t talk at all”. “I don’t want you to forget! Give ‘me’ something better than that! ” that was a shocker.

Give her something better! ‘Meh! Alert’
LOVE IS IN THE AIR IT SEEMS! But this wasn’t a normal love story. It got better, just like the way she asked. If you have read ‘Last Wednesday’ you’d know about Barath.

She took the first sip.

I don’t waste time talking about ‘Happily Ever afters’ its just a waste of ‘two seconds’. I could possibly kiss her in that time!

So long!
– © just barath

The film begins

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Episode 1

I’m still just a beginner when it comes to using the hand dryer at mall restrooms. It doesn’t dry my hands completely. Or is that how things work there. Why am I even thinking about this now?

Especially, when I have a girl waiting for me outside. And Good heavens this mall had the parking stairs. I could sneak in inspite of being late.
What am I gonna tell her for being late?

‘The hand dryer is messed up!’

Its time to silence my doppelganger talking, with the Ads and Anthem that’s going to be played inside the theatre. Its time to walk out. Because, if I don’t, she might complain about my missing to the Mall Security.

I started walking out and there I saw her. Wait! That’s some other girl. I wore my specs! Now I saw her, smiling at me.

‘Hi, Hand dryer.’
Shut the Fuck Up! CONFUSED BARATH.

I got to her, “Hi, Sorry for keeping you waiting…”

“No, Not a problem. I walked in only now.” and another smile.

‘You can walk in 3 hours later too.. But don’t forget to smile. Because if you forget, I can’t write poetry about you for your Birthday’ I thought.

“The hand dryer is messed up!” 

Shut Up Barath!!! Wait! I did not say that. To confirm I asked, “What?” She told, “The hand dryer inside was not working properly.” 

That screwed-up hand dryer. Yayy!! Its my turn to talk about the Men’s hand dryers’ mechanics. But I was satisfied with, “This problem happens everywhere. They care a lot about what’s on the outside and forget that the inside things keep everything going.” “Wow! Metaphorical and philosophical Barath is!” she told, she really did.

“Did you interpret it that way? You are so cool” I told her. Someone play that happy tears Music here, please. 

“I don’t hear that cool part often” she dragged. “I think I should tell this frequently.. if you want” we started walking.

“That won’t change my inside” she told.

“Nothing should. Except for you talking to yourself, nothing can change your inside” I cleverly replied. 

Then she looked at me. That’s the kinda look they talk about in my kinda movies. Barath! don’t try explicating this. I caught her looking at me and still she did not turn away. I was living the second and then she turned aside. What ran in her mind then? I’m just clueless.

Then I asked, “Why were you looking at me that way?” “I.. I can’t tell! You find out” she told taking a pause.

‘I shouldn’t have asked that!’ I did not know how to react after those words. That’s when some lines from PULP FICTION came running to my left cerebral hemisphere.
“That’s when you know you have found somebody really special. When you can just Shut the fuck up for a minute and comfortably share a silence.”

She followed me to the theatre door and then our movie began.

-just barath ©
P.s. Barath will be the name only till I find a name for that role. Yeah! It’s just a name.

the hand-written letter

So long!
I have walked so much. You know it! Because the wind pushed your hands into mine and I held it. That kept me walking all those miles along with my ambitious ambitions. I have.. Sorry! I had no idea of leaving it. Until that moment, you felt my hand was so cold and I had to decide between walking alone or giving you moments of discomfort. I chose to leave it. What a fool I was.. I am to have such a thought! 

Was it so cold? My hand! Because, when hands turn cold, they become numb, you don’t feel nothing. But I could feel every small moment of your fingers which were inside my hand. No! I don’t mean to tell you were lying. And you too understand that I am not lying. So, rethink everything and come back to me. I’ll give you the warmth which I guess you want. But, if you don’t want anything I can give that too. I cannot employ some other sentence there. You know that!                                               Was it really cold? Ah! Sorry for asking that over again. I am becoming a normal guy without our ‘we’ moments.

No more Wind-Fingers Shit. Simply hold my hand and punish me with that chill I gave you. Men’s body temperature is comparatively higher I’ve heard.

Only yours
even after the mind defeats the heart.
just barath ©

And they ‘might have’ lived happily one second at a time.. for they knew happily ever-afters are one of the greatest lies History and Art have put-forth

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We create

the first awk-word letter

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In love with a Pen.

Yes! I’m actually writing you something. This paper would find a place somewhere in your closet or your drawing table or might be folded into two for saving the edges and kept inside your Journal. I don’t care about where this paper goes. I just am standing here, under this cloud adrift, with fear, not sure if I can send these words, and by words I mean its crux into you. For inside this ‘o’ I have hid my madness and how I exclaim for the mere sight of you, over the title of all the ‘i’ in this letter, my love is standing, surviving the cold of all lonely nights. Every single alphabet that I scribble is for you, and you alone. Just decipher it and wink _____. That is the only moment I can survive without looking at my distorted reflection in your eyes.

I feel so awk-word now. After hitting you with so much out of my confused heart, I am. For I am not the incessant muse kind or the Love-Quotes kind. I am just the Basic-Love thing, with one-off definitions of this feeling. Need I say more! Say “Yes” for I have got so much to tell to you and reimburse for the silence and seconds you have given to me, and also the seconds that I took myself. Bear with me babe, stand with me, walk with me, save me by leaning on my shoulder, feel the heat of my palm by placing yours inside it.

“Words can’t adequately describe love” they said. But words and thoughts about you are all I have.

I can’t see any Albatrosses, skylarks, daffodils, coffee mugs, mistletoes, lobsters or gods that can set my thought on sail. I can only see me! My distorted reflection in your eyes and its image.

It got me into way too many thought-cycles and art-blocks. And proceeding to the next words are getting tough now. This is something I foresaw. Stay with me, if you can. Hope this letter finds you in good health. And I don’t know when this is going to…

Happy Life, anyways…
Only Yours until Oblivion.

-just barath©

Last Wednesday…

It was last Wednesday. The day had so many things that pissed me off really bad and push me into thinking that one such day should never come again. The day I felt being good has a hefty and painful result. Being Good leaves you behind, but for another equally good thing. How good would it be if I have some powerful luck-nut every morning which warns me about the day, Like, Play it On Chap your Guardian Angels are working extra-time or Brace yourself Dumbo, your Guardian Angels are still in a hangover.

Thinking about how stupid I am and trying not to think about it I got into a bus (Not actually into the bus, just the stairs) and to get home. I live in the heart of the city and here the blood vessels, damn! I mean the roads will always be crammed and I have to walk some 15 minutes to enter into my Safe-House. I mostly won’t get down when the bus stops. I get down a little before like, when the bus goes on 2kmph and before the Bus becomes an example of Newton’s First Law, to be scientifically explained.

That’s when the thing that usually does not happen happened. Let me try to put every piece of that night together, so that you can see the Unusual.

I got down from the bus and took left. It’s a not so crowded connect road between two parallel main roads. A scooter swished past me and I can say that it did not look good. It was going from the left to the right and came back to its normal path again. I just thought Girls! And continued walking after few moments and thoughts I saw the scooter standing on the side of the road balancing on an electric pole. The girl driving it was leaning on the dial of the bike. I did not think about asking her about it. I thought it would be awkward if she does not respond well. Then after a few steps I could not walk further. I turned back to see her still. There were no women walking by the road at that time. I did not move to her. I just stood by and watched. Still no women. I just got all the good sides in me on, wore my embarrassment shield and walked towards her. I got close to her. She was breathing soundly. *relief sigh*

“Excuse me” I asked kinda really loud. A common Indian who was walking past me looked at me and walked away. She did not move. She looked up but she did not look into my face she looked to the left of my face. I got it. She was drunk. I really had no clue about what to do. I had never spoken to a drunk girl. Yeah! I spoke to her earlier but I did not know she was drunk. “Are you okay?” I asked her. I knew she wasn’t. She told “No, I’m fi.. ne” she stammered. But her voice had a strong tone. “Can I get some water?” she asked. I pretended searching my bag while she was trying to stand up. I asked her to wait and moved to a nearby store, got a water bottle.

On my way back I saw her, now I clearly saw her. She was simple and wild. She was wearing Plain white tops and jeans, a lean build and I guess she did not have makeup. She could stand back. She tried putting the center stand of her bike. But she couldn’t. A strong pull, pull and again she failed. I handed the water bottle to her and put the center stand. She used her hand as a balance against the wall and then tried to splash some water on her face. I was standing back and looking at her stumble like a kid. She dropped the bottle twice. Then picked it up and walked back to where I was standing. I really don’t wanna talk about the looks all the passerby gave us. They were just cruel and as if they saw something taboo. When will they change?. When I looked back at them they turned. They better do that! She was in a pretty bad shape. I did not know what to ask, ‘How could I ask a girl on road if she is drunk. Wouldn’t she feel embarrassed?’ As I was thinking for alternate questions words came out of my mouth “Are you drunk?” I had an innocent and doubtful stare. She looked at my face and said “Yeah! And I’m a little off-balance now”. “Little! She is totally off-balance” I thought. At least I did not tell this to her. But still her voice was strong and I had no explanation for it. “I can take care you can leave, Please, don’t waste time” she told and reached to her back-pack took out her mobile phone. And was searching for the Unlock Button. I flipped the phone the right side up for her. She quickly pressed the button, swiped the screen, the wallpaper came on. I was really moved now. She did not have a Screen Lock on her mobile. What! I generally had a picture that Girls would have the screen lock, app-lock, the vault, a grey hound and the laser alarm for their mobile. She was One Girl! I thought.

She swiped. But the touch did not respond well. I opened it. As she told the name “Shalini” I called that number and placed the phone safely on her hand. It took a few moments. I did not want to overhear the conversation but I was forced to. I was standing close to her. Right! She had called her friend who was nearby to come pick her up. She told me that Shalini would be here in 10 minutes. So I could leave. But I did not want to. What had happened to me then? I told her I did not have any Board-Meeting kinda  things that night and I would stay till her friend comes. I took the bottle and drank some water. It was a not so normal experience. I did not want to miss out on it. It was a pretty important situation. So I thought I can talk to her. I prayed that Shalini should get stuck in some traffic and come after a while. We were thinking, thinking and remained silent for some minutes. Probably the last time we both were silent.

Then we started talking out a love story, A story worth penning down, A story with so many details, a story were coincidences were better-off than a Cinematic Romance, A story purely of a passion, called Love. It was just Last Wednesday and yes the last Wednesday we both were Strangers.

Everyone want a love story with a Happily Ever-After… I don’t talk about happily Ever-Afters. It is a waste of two seconds. I could possibly kiss her in that time.

P.s. – Purely fictional. Thats all I can tell you about what happened! Oops!
See you soon.. Gotta go bye.

From ‘Coffee?’ to ‘You know how it ends!’

“Coffee?”
I asked as I ran into her just like another day. She remained silent. I shook her back from her trance. She looked straight into my eyes. I realized something was not right. I took her hand held it together and stared at her. A stare that tells I am listening and I’ll do it, don’t worry”. I think that at some point a girl needs it. She was still struggling to get the first word out. I was kicked out of my comfort zone then. Different things started to run in my stupid mind. It’d better if I won’t tell all that.

The first word. “Barath!” she told and took a breath. “Yes” I stammered (Whoa! What am I into now?). “Dad had seen us at the café, yesterday noon” she completed. Truly, I was happy she talked. I did not wanna show my fear out. I replied with a sound “So?”
“Dad was mad at me. He started shouting at me and God! I had to talk back to my dad for the first time of my life. I had never got scolded by my dad, even when I landed him in trouble. He closed the door even before I could convince him” she spoke out.

“Honey! It’s Ok” I told. “No, it’s not” she told almost spontaneously. I expected that. A few minutes of silence to the mouths, but loud, loud voices inside my head.

I cleared my mind and without much ado I asked her, “Honey! What did you tell your dad about us”? My words were crystal clear. I was contented with it. “Barath. I never had the chance to talk to him clearly. I started that we were in a relationship.. and then he started shouting. All I could do was shout few ‘No Dad’ and ‘Dad it’s not like that’ here and there. He closed the door in the midst of the words. I was pleading sorries to the door”. She did not complete the last words. Tears welled in her eyes. Two drops fell on her book below. Her hand pushed her locks behind her ear and she turned away from me so that I could not see her crying. I walked before her, knelt down before her chair. Now I looked straight into her tear filled, starting to become red Eyes. I held both her hands together and kissed it, just to make her feel better. She stopped crying, took a few deep breaths. She stopped crying that’s all she did. But she looked beautiful than ever. She looked stronger than anyone.  That look that a girl has at a moment like this is addictive, is the greatest drug (A good one). I wanted to see her smile back at me now.

I told “Look at me! I want you to listen now. Not like how you listen in your language classes (I know it’s the lamest joke!)”. But she smiled. Whoa! Whoa! I closed my eyes and literally gave up my mere existence on this planet to live in her smile that moment. She was everything. I came back to my senses (The little I had). With my superpower replenished, I told,” Try talking to your dad today, If not today tomorrow. Just tell him what I’m telling you now. He’ll be convinced. If he is still not convinced. I’ll talk to him”. “Yes” she said. She believed, believed in me.

“Tell him, Dad! You want me to be happy throughout my life. Like I am with you. You want all my wishes to be catered like you gave me my wishes. He’ll do anything for me. You remember that birthday Mom scolded me and I cried, but when you looked at me I stopped crying, because you would act like crying. That first Scooter you bought me, which I hit on a car, the very next week. The issues that we had to face throughout paying the monthly installments and some loans you had to take. Again you looked at me once then and I stopped crying. That joyous tears you shed seeing me on my Boards Result Day. That got mom laughing at you, calling YOU a child” *She had a gaze filled with love* “Dad, he remembers everything I had told him about us, he knows you like I do know about you. He likes mom’s cooking and sometimes he would pretend like he really likes them. He completes me Dad. *another pause* and maybe tell this too… Dad he got placed as a Senior Reporter at BBC and his PayCheck is also heavy” I finished and raised the envelope with BBC’s initials on it.

She got up all of a sudden. So did I. I had to ‘because I was holding her hand. I started to say something (Something like I missed my lunch honey!). She sent those words back in. You know how…

Start Dreaming! Happy life └(^o^)┘
-©just barath.

P.s.- Purely fictional!. Good to be back writing. Guess you got the ending of this scene?

Again the photo and her smile..

“Apply for the Medical Entrance Test.”

The Door’s Bang completed his father’s emotional outflow. He sat down on the floor and rested on the side of his bed. He was lost in thoughts. He took his sketch pad and pencil. The pencil could not move further.

His dad got down the stairs, took a few deep breaths and walked down the hallway. He stood staring at his wife’s photo on the wall. Her smile brought him tears. He could see his blurred, distorted reflection on the photo. With some difficulty and back pain, he pushed the sofa, put it close to the photo and sat on it. Again the photo and her smile. This time it bought some words from his heart. He started talking to his wife.

“See. How your son is talking to me. It’s all because of you. You taught him all this. Your “Rebel to the world” philosophy. He wants to draw, draw cartoons. What kind of a newspaper will hire your son? All he draws are some colorful, crazy looking caricatures, just like him. You should have taught him cooking instead. That special noodles you made. He says his creativity will pay him. He pushes aside every piece of advice I give him. Now I got the contact of a guy who could get him Seat in that medical college. Our son will be a doctor. A DOCTOR. He will make a very good doctor.
You should have been by my side now. You would have convinced him in some minutes. But I still can’t understand how he is so happy looking at his stupid drawings. I could not understand what he felt to tell through his drawings at all. I have shouted at him now. He would definitely skip his dinner now. The third time this week. Maybe I should not force him to take the entrance again. You would have asked me to do that if you were here. You were always on his team.”

Before the next word, a teardrop came out of his eye. The past tenses were to be blamed. He wiped it with his shirt’s collar and closed his eye for some minutes. His frequent coughing got him out of that short trance. He looked at the photo again. There were tears again, but it was coming from his son’s eyes.  He got up and looked at his son. He rushed to his dad, hugged his dad for the first time. How beautiful it looked in mom’s photo. Mom’s smile was made real now.

The next few minutes were filled with Sorries from both ends of the hug.

Until next dream..
-©just Barath

The 10 mins love letter

Our professor gives us some cool stuff to discuss or do in the last 10 minutes of an hour. We love his class and never have I missed one of his classes! This happened last semester. He was teaching us a novel. When he realized that the class had started sleeping, he stopped teaching and asked us to write a love letter. He asked us to choose a profession and to write a letter with things related to that profession. We were crazy literature students and this is the best possible thing that could happen. That was the point that I completely felt the difference of being in a arts college.

I chose to be a Librarian and this was the letter I wrote, with few additions. This letter is purely fictional. All credits to the authors who created these titles.

Dear Gitanjali,
                         Things fell apart when I saw you in the Chamber of My Secrets. You broke all my Great Expectations. I was thinking All Night Long. Under the Fifty Shades of the Twilight lets have A walk to remember. You mixed in my heart a strange and comforting feeling like an expert Alchemist. I can’t bear this Holocaust. I’m ready to face the War and Peace, for this Crazy, Stupid Lover Guy will come only from you. I was troubled a lot by the Madding Crowd, you came into my life and then there were none. Will you be The Centre of My Earth.
                                                                                                    Always yours,
Harry Potter a.k.a just barath.

P.s.- Good to be back writing. You know what folks. I’m getting busy. This means a lot you know! Will post often in the coming days.